I went out for the usual post-lunch smoke. Having contracted cold for a few days now, the taste a drag induces in the mouth has more to it than the taste of brushing teeth with coal (I did brush with coal, very infrequently, when my age was a single digit, in my father's under-equipped village, which was habitable then).
That taste took me back to those lonesome afternoons, spent in that hut, right outside that college's premises. Being a student full of loathing & distaste for everything that was associated with that institution, I used to sit and smoke and feel repugnant about the cigarette's taste in my mouth & my teenage life's inability to grit through the loathsome program in that college.
That taste also took me back to tepid afternoons of 2012, when everything was so clueless. I was young, had an overachieving girlfriend and a disproportionate career. Same taste used to trail around in my mouth, which used to be slightly opened, wondering if I'd ever be able to swim ashore with all my portions unscathed.
The same tasted stirred in my mouth today. But the repugnance towards my life wasn't that stark as it had been once. Perhaps, in the perennial process of goofing up and trying to repair the goof-ups, somewhere I may have learnt forgiving myself. From blaming everything around me for my failures to accepting the reality (which mostly has involved as the main culprit in all the twisted fucks of my life) and try not to repeat them.
Yes, I know this is getting a tad self-indulgent. I will try find a thing or two to write about, by tomorrow.
That taste took me back to those lonesome afternoons, spent in that hut, right outside that college's premises. Being a student full of loathing & distaste for everything that was associated with that institution, I used to sit and smoke and feel repugnant about the cigarette's taste in my mouth & my teenage life's inability to grit through the loathsome program in that college.
That taste also took me back to tepid afternoons of 2012, when everything was so clueless. I was young, had an overachieving girlfriend and a disproportionate career. Same taste used to trail around in my mouth, which used to be slightly opened, wondering if I'd ever be able to swim ashore with all my portions unscathed.
The same tasted stirred in my mouth today. But the repugnance towards my life wasn't that stark as it had been once. Perhaps, in the perennial process of goofing up and trying to repair the goof-ups, somewhere I may have learnt forgiving myself. From blaming everything around me for my failures to accepting the reality (which mostly has involved as the main culprit in all the twisted fucks of my life) and try not to repeat them.
Yes, I know this is getting a tad self-indulgent. I will try find a thing or two to write about, by tomorrow.
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