Monday, February 25, 2013

That Kid.

As i promised in my last update that I am not going to write about my personal happenings, here I am, ready with the story of a troubled kid who opened himself to me.

There's this kid who had been waiting at my house for me to come back from office. He happened to talk to me the day before & I asked him to come down to my place for a detailed discussion. He's having problems with his education just like the way I once had. He earnestly looked at me for some sage advise and I was eagerly waiting to listen to my story narrated by some other person.

He explained me his problem which seemed trivial to me; but it didn't - 5 years ago. I could totally comprehend the lump of turbulence in his throat which he often had to clear to spell words out.

Seemed familiar.

The best part about him was ruthless self denial & infectious honesty. He was there, very much ready to dissect himself & to critically analyze his problems. All he lacked was enough confidence and trust in himself.

Sounded rather familiar.

That dejected look on his face when he told me that his father actually has given up on his son's ability to promote to the next grade seemed far too close to my heart. It was as if someone was narrating my past to me in the most endearing way possible. I was all ears.

He opened the conversation by addressing himself as a loser which pierced through my heart like a spade studded with sharp words from ill mouthed douche bags. I could completely recall how it feels to proclaim one's self as a loser in his late teens or early twenties - when life has barely started.

His helpless rage, hopeless hope to see the unseen horizons of a colorful life now seem almost impossible for him. That's where I stepped into the picture. All I tried is to inject some hope into his veins. We light up a cigarette each. He inhaled, looked into my eye with a sense of respite, I exhaled, looked into the skies, we drove away farther on that road which opened gates for another opportunity called tomorrow.

Life; as it was once dreamt.

5 years. 5 whole years to tread the path in the way I wanted to. Fair enough. It could've taken longer but I didn't let things go out of control.

Its sometimes good to pause your pursuit of happiness and be happy for what you have. - A french proverb. True.

I am presently living the aftermath of debacles but I guess I am faring well; except few haunting memories of the past. Right, I distract myself from the reverie and pull myself back to this.

I have been watching some extraordinary cinema lately; all thanks to that good ol' friend who came back into my life upon my deliberation. 

I was appalled by the way my brother finally has fallen into the mainstream pit & he certainly is out of that 'wannabe' shit I believe. He just declared what his idea of life is & i was pleasantly surprised.

Thanks to that catastrophe. It got me real close to my family. I am also glad that my parents are finally comprehending my irresistible urge I have had to cut loose the ties with everything that just didn't seem 'me'.

I miss her terribly when I am out of work & so I work till i exhaust. I keep working all day to go back home to strike off one more milestone on the movie marathon. Fair enough.

Secluded with fair amount of distance from people, I have been having that much needed time and space which I had been craving till a month ago.

I promise this'd be the last post on personal happenings. I am sure I would come up with my take on worldly affairs from the next one.

Till then, watch Amal. Mr. N Shah delivered in those 10 minutes he was offered.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I bit the dust; and spitting out the disgust.

There is a limit for everything, they say. The question is who defines the limit. Its just the same kind of start like any other January. No striking differences. Only the characters and incidents changed; plot remained the same. Except in the perspective I developed, the way people treat me remained the same; unaltered. The unfaltering stubbornness still managed to secure its place in my heart. I still believe in my conviction; stay committed to the cause; a self made vow.

Things are royally fucked up at home, work and heart. Not a single element of respite. It totally feels as if I am locked in a dark dorm; pitch dark; and all sources of illumination are deliberately turned off. All I am doing is making peace with the nail biting coldness and darkness in there; learning to sleep; move in the dark; perhaps learning to 'live'.

However, the adolescent apprehensiveness slipped out of me; such a huge sign of relief. Apprehension borne procrastination really fed me with life changing incidents of which I still suffer - till date. The best part is I learnt the trick of mustering up enough courage to confront situations and boy! must I stay that confrontation is the best thing. Few hours (probably days?) of embarrassment, guilt and insult & things will slowly refrain from getting more fucked up.

How bleak life has become? The stains of pain caused by being left out disappeared a long ago & now I kind of enjoy the self gifted solitude and distance. But at times, the new bleak avatar seems untenable. I some times cannot stand the paleness of life now.

People whom I thought of as monks turned into raged bulls; as partners into strangers; as hearted ones into hypocrites. Well, all these certainly broadened my perspective inch by inch but it was unpleasantly surprising at the same time.


I hold in the tenacity, never dying hope for another sunny, bright morning called Tomorrow which never dies nor comes!