This delay is an unprecedented one in the diary project. Apologies to the ones who keep coming back to check. Last week has been quite an eventful one. Full of unexpected things & my measured responses to such things. I write this on Monday, having just stepped into a new week. Read on the rambling below...
I thought I've buried it. It doesn't necessarily mean I have forgotten its existence. It took careful, diligent cultivation of certain habits which let me stay away from that irresistible valley of longing. I thought I've learnt to walk away from the valley with a heart of disrupted peace & a mind that acts maniacally sometimes. Only until the valley has unearthed itself & presented itself in my face with its widening crevice, making me think that's it's an invitation into its warmth. The insides of that valley are not unknown to me. Only that I think it has become unbecoming. Alien. Unfamiliar.
It took me good 3 days to grapple with that irresistible valley from the past. Then strikes this year's quota of days of depression. Those days when the meaninglessness of all of it rises above everything else and speaks to me, shouts at me, looking squarely into my eye. The weight of Purpose becomes an unbearable load on my shoulders. So heavy that I begin to question the existence of Purpose to even bear it. Isn't that what the bitch called Meaninglessness want to do to you? Yes, that's what it wants and it always gets it.
It took art counsel to shake off the load from the shoulders. Respite found amid pages of books & sighs of characters in films. They remind me that it doesn't have to be this painful. The cynic in me almost rages up against such soothing pats but I put him to sleep.
Oh boy! That valley from the past is irresistible, I tell you. (Close folks of mine know about my succumbing to the irresistible; saves me from the horrific thought of being judged).
I thought I've buried it. It doesn't necessarily mean I have forgotten its existence. It took careful, diligent cultivation of certain habits which let me stay away from that irresistible valley of longing. I thought I've learnt to walk away from the valley with a heart of disrupted peace & a mind that acts maniacally sometimes. Only until the valley has unearthed itself & presented itself in my face with its widening crevice, making me think that's it's an invitation into its warmth. The insides of that valley are not unknown to me. Only that I think it has become unbecoming. Alien. Unfamiliar.
It took me good 3 days to grapple with that irresistible valley from the past. Then strikes this year's quota of days of depression. Those days when the meaninglessness of all of it rises above everything else and speaks to me, shouts at me, looking squarely into my eye. The weight of Purpose becomes an unbearable load on my shoulders. So heavy that I begin to question the existence of Purpose to even bear it. Isn't that what the bitch called Meaninglessness want to do to you? Yes, that's what it wants and it always gets it.
It took art counsel to shake off the load from the shoulders. Respite found amid pages of books & sighs of characters in films. They remind me that it doesn't have to be this painful. The cynic in me almost rages up against such soothing pats but I put him to sleep.
Oh boy! That valley from the past is irresistible, I tell you. (Close folks of mine know about my succumbing to the irresistible; saves me from the horrific thought of being judged).
Time and again there is a need to hit the note of meaninglessness. It helps in recalibrating thoughts and putting things in the right perspective. And certain valleys are good for aerial view not to live in them! Stay away.
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