Some words to say.

These words definitely belong to that set of audacious words which are to be expelled out to relieve the 100 pound or something weight pounding me into the darks unknown. The fear creeps in everytime I think about this piece of action and reaction going solemnly within. The unknown and abrupt rush of hatred and the abnormal yet not weird sense of crawling away from people keeps coming back to me so often these days. No cell phone, seldom necessary calls to home to ensure 'em that I am alive and absolutely no tweeting happening( doesn't really mean 'tweeting over the biggest thing on the web').

The unidentified sense of black, deep and shallow incompleteness is what that my mind got occupied with. I stare away into the deep yet, within-the-city woods which peep into my brain once a day and it seems like they are calling me to fulfil my quest of subtlety. What all do I need? Absolutely, soul soothing cinema, music and of course, limited people with sleep inducing conversations. I got to know the answer for my insomniac state of being where I lay down yet it takes some 300 minutes for the Goddess of serenity to shower the sprinkles of sleep upon me. That happens each night with so much of reluctance and after waging opinion crisis, stammering over unspoken words in the semi conscious condition.

And I wake up to find myself raffled by one other day of so many those days of discontent and some contempt in my voice trying to appeal for content. Alcohol is the only inducing agent, which sings lullabies to me, provided i am fed with currency full of wallet.

Ain't that going to work in the long run too, I know.

And those uncanny sarcastic likings from few people adds to the fire and I mull over those trivial things again and again. 22nd of this month passed and landed me in the 22nd year of my life.

I hoped for the same contented feeling but the answer seems to be evitable and not so easy thing to achieve.

The possibility of getting close to the milestone of making people comfortably convinced over the fact that I finished the education looks to far away, even beyond the horizons and everything appears dark.

But the brightest thought I can ever get is Black is something ecstasic and surreal and that keeps me to my bed and to wage anothet battle against the climax of one more tiring day to get up to find myself doing the same thing I've been doing from so long that I could not remember, how long this all started ago.

The respite i needed seems like arriving as i write this post, only respite, not relief, to be clarified.

day.

22nd eh? good good. this too shall pass.

The Club

Jack was beckoning me from the Miller's Well and I tried to be a self conscious person, too conventional to get into such a conversation. I know I too dope, but there's something profane about Jack.

He talks about the dark side of everything. He states that the dark is the revealing notion and what not? The dark side of the ol' classic rock, the word 'disaster' fancies him so much.

He just wants to be there from the zero all again. I know its hard to be Jack but the oomphing current flows in me when I get high.

And he always stays high. He laughs at my intentions, he talks to me when I think of her and lie there wondering what made her bar me?

The life as already written somewhere, had been devoid of everything, but not now. Jack's there to about the abandoned, 'finger-on-the-lips' things.

He's so brutal and that he shames me and makes fun of me , and the best part already evolved, I joined him in laughing. He talks about the people who bear feathers on the coats and sing some hip hop to wear that tag name 'counter cultured'. As I talk this, he's beside me drinking wine.

The inner revolution got saturated, started delivering middle fingers at doorsteps, and on one fine evening, all set to be breathtakingly ruthless with the lifestyle which cannot think much more than shopping as a hobby or pastime or whatever.

Jack shoots the bar counter and approaches a coloured bartender and says,'Two pegs of Jack Daniels. No coke.' and the tender says 'and' & Jack replies ,'Boy, thats it. Two neat pegs of JD.' and gets amused by the similar question mark 'And' & this time frustated high time reckons who's high already, but fully convinced with the fact that the session is yet to get incepted, yells out 'dude! You heard it right. Two and only Two pegs of Jack Daniels.' and gosh! the similar question again 'And' and there arrives the most shittiest deployment of the human mankind whose respect seems to hold the pinnacle and no respect for the abstract seems to manage room even in a forbidden bar in the deserted late evening streets of East Ham.

And then the tender comes up with the answer 'And.....PLEASE' and Jack sighs exasperatedly 'Aaah! Please!!! Thank you for reminding . Sorry for overlooking. Any more courtesies to be delivered to savour the drink I buy with my own money?'

Jack settles down on his chair, with, at last, those 2 pegs of alcohol, empties a half of it at one go, lights up a stick, and laughs, 'People now lack great war and depression.' 'They need a club.'

And then, The Club saw its birth.

P.S : No Jack exists.

Evolution

I am quire sure that giraffes never had such a long neck since their inception. The struggle to keep up the pace in the race to live, made them to peep that one 'extra' inch more and more to reach out those far blossomed leaves. All the trodden plants down there at the bottom went into bellies of tiny specie of life. Neck was stretched, stretched and stretched more as as the offsprings began showing up, with long long and more longer necks, as what now we notice as. That impeccable need to swim through the waters of life was & is never questionable, which also left no options available, but only with to, grow, grow and grow more.

And what not, does this tends to acquire wholeness if not talked about this writer's race of life? Humans. Yes, the very thought of evolution of human being whose brain took more than 2,000 years to get enlightened with the fact that animals fear fire and the very gnawling thought to strike fire which scared wild and helped them play safe is something really splendid to recuperate again. Sex,it is. The thought is.

And now people become billionaires earning on those pieces of cloth which we were not aware of, some grand years earlier. And I remember a quote by some billionaire Warren Buffet, though irrelevant to the context, my pen tempts to throw up the quote here, " Wall Street is the only place where people come in Rolls Royce to seek advices from people who walk subways." From the basic wheel to some Royce which Rolls on wheels. Remarkable.

Whats so superlative about evolution? They very strike of evolution always ignites great minds to ooze out far more greater thoughts. To be honest, inventor of this so called 'the most tiny yet the most appealing weapon" PEN is more likely, to-be-notable than Shakespeare or whoever. Whats the point? Not pen alone, though.

From those raw days of frowning foreheads in bewilderment of what basically 'sound' is to move nations with sound of six strings tied together. And yes from hunting to conspiring. From hierarchy to democracy. From 'I preach you follow' to 'I preach you preach'. Few of dark spots too. Everything has a dark side, after all.

Well, not an anthropologist I am and so I can not think of evolution in a better way than this. People insist I should write fiction, but this isn't the topic to sound fictional. Just wanted to give this text a go. I got it. After all, I am a go-getter.

Hail Frusciante. Happy birthday Bob! Long love Marley!

A Friend Indeed.

The image of my ridiculed face on 'that' day still pops in into my introspective mind once in a while, when I usually lay down on my couch, wondering what if even a big joint of marijuana fails in singing dark and forbidden lullabies to put me to sleep.

I was standing there bewildered with my landlord's pinning words that shot us and ousted us from that mansion abruptly. I stood there in the parking lot, smoking the last cigarette I had, no money to buy one more. He came silently from behind, patted me gently on my shoulder and smiled and shared the remaining cigarette. I knew that he knew what was doing rounds in my brain then. I was wholly broke and was on roads literally. No job, new land, no money. But there was lot of self respect that abandoned me from asking my dad, some money. Then the phone rang, was my dad asking, " Is everything okay nana?" "Absolutely Pappa. A little busy. Will ring you later" was my reply.

I hung up and this fellow and this fellow then came into my life by protruding an upper hand then and it still goes on. He drew out some 100 Euros or Pounds or whatever from the Barclays hole in the wall and tucked it in my hand. Befallen by hunger and ambiguity all around, I had to accept those bucks.

It all started there with him. The to-be-together journey. He was always there for me. The only lad who makes Londone a crappier place for me to live in, with his absence. There was another day, one of those days when I was trying hard to digest the fact that She abandoned me, I cried like a little boy after getting sloshed away by alcohol. I was close to death and he dragged me back home from a dark bar.

He always wants me to be independent but made me feel conveniently dependent on him when things didn't work out the way they has to, so far.

Well, you guys may call this a tribute to him, I'd rather say that this is a way of reciprocating for what all he did for me.

Well, his parents named him Chaitanya, I'd prefer 'the friend indeed'.

P.S : I received my first birthday gift already frm this bastard.

God bless!

Wise Mice

A deep drag (long awaited since morning) after a huge meal justifies the word 'completion'. As I open out the passive door of my flat to blow out few deep drags which get mixed with the late night fog sums up big and hits the cool wind out there to win a losing battle.

I sit there consciously on the the three legged dining chair and light up a stick to strike out one more day off the new decade's calendar, two mice sprout up all of a sudden from the trash can just like balls in the pinball. The mortal and never outgrown fear of reptiles take me back but they yell at me saying 'Easy, boy!' and I ease myself.

This follows later.

Mouse 1 (M1) : Hello little boy.

Me : Huh, Little? me?

Mouse 2 (M2) : My friend seldom lies. Yes you are. Very much.

Me : Well, Hi.

M2 : Welcome to the kingdom where sun never sets. Sorry. Late wishes though.

Me : Approaching 5 month stone and a welcome piece now? Thanks, anyway.

M1 : Be careful chum! Its all dark here, not as it appears.

M2 : You seems to be innocent. Need to be extra careful.

Me : Ahem! By now, I know this place sucks because of its colour obsession. Though its dark, it hates darks.

M1 : Interesting observation, that is.

Me : Thats experience , what we humans name it as.

M2 : We call it as survival.

M1 : Some call it retrospection.

Me : Whatever. You both look white. Are you guys Brits?

M1 : To be honest, we don't mind being white. We'd be fed with same food and liberty even if we are coloured. Know that?

Me : That's awesome. You guys follow constitution eh? *winks*

M2 : Well, we framed one. You humans are too smart and wicked to follow.

Me : That's the whole essence then. Supremacy in the race of survival.

M1 : Aren't we surviving?

Me : Yes, you are.

M2 : With equality, to be taken note of.

M1 : You people have big brains dude.

Me : Big enough to lead the race of survival.

M1 : Well, If I am not wrong, I notice a glimpse of pride as you admit that.

Me : Emerging victorious is a proud thing. Isn't it?

M1 : Yuddham lo gelavadam ante shatruvu ni champadam kaadu, odinchadam.

(J A L S A)

M2 : Don't stab existence.

M1 : Live humanely and justify 'Human'

Me : Will try to. Later, guys.

Mice : Later, man.

Possessions, Her and Random things.

Fells homely to visit this page after a long while. In fact, it induces a sense of ownership to view a .com based on my name, nevertheless. Life has become devoid. Devoid of cinema, music, writings, nothing. Sometimes, it looks good to be plain. May be some umpteen times, I dream of June to occur, everyday. But, June too shall pass,I know. It brings along with it July and more which shall bring me back in UK. Well, the latest learning is it's difficult to meet self terms and far too difficult to live on selves.

One typical day include 1 convinced-to-be-called meal, some 5 sticks, 2 pints, many to-be-materialised day dreams. Well,of course, this sense of self seems great, the inner you wear is what you bought out with your own bucks. No context of dad comes anywhere. The food you(I) eat , the music machine that decorates your pocket, this paper and pen you write on & with, everything your own, very much.

You look at your laptop's box out the above fireplace and you find your name imbibed colourlessly on it ans you feel,I bought it.

Not alone about the things you earn, but the way you look after everything, a plain pulav prepared by you with no topping tastes gr9, the app you develop on your machine with one night being forgone too looks splendid, yet simple and plain to any third person.

Had been hearing some really happy news about little significant achievements by my peers,lately. Seems much's been happening around out there in my absence. It is like immaculately horning out some soundless noises which nobody cares to mind apparently. It is absolute fun to be an enthusiastic viewer when life turns round all by itself and it appears like chips started falling in place, where they are intended to, but not destined to.

Due to lack of regular intercourse with paper, I am now completely unsure where this is heading towards(Random things in my title justify that). Back into the context, its real juicy encountering destiny. I know people who find it uber cool to quote that absolute bullshit, destiny is. But more funnier part is, their that quoting is also a part of their destinies. How ironic and funny?

I more sound like an anti raged and middle aged citizen. Absence of going places makes you one. (doesn't literally convey 'going' places) Never mind. So, lots been happening around and so I turn up there as any other stranger would do, some 6 months later and they wear that 'you dont know question marks' on their faces, which definitely uneases me.

Now She's gone and my crave for her still refuses to fade out into dark reminiscences of past. What's so magical about her? I know bullying around girls for quite a long time, never serious as a matter of fact to be noted, but this time I am pad enough, enough to be saturated with her and no longer eager to visit strip clubs to buy a couple of drinks and fuck some white whore. Ain't it no fun anymore.

I am said to be a plain bastard by somebody and yes, I write plain. Peace out.