This and That.

How magically we fall into the nets of people, though how convincing we might sound to ourselves that being rational and unperturbed works at all times!

The enormous power and patience needed to keep the urge to blast off down to ashes is something fascinating to notice from a distance but it ain't easy to adapt and implement. Times have grown gloomy, dull and bleak. A pathetic situation of looking forward to meet someone for days together is here. Every one conveniently walks past me, ignoring my presence so elegantly that I often feel dubious about the presence of my very own presence. They do that in style, leaving me behind fragile.

Not one month passes by in ease. Every month peeps in with a whole new set of ordeals in its bag. They are thrown at me, to play with me, to leave me exhausted & retire to bed on each day of the month mulling over the never ending testing times.

Sirish is a great listener, I must admit. He lends his ears in such a comely manner which compels you to drain out all the built-in agony which gets piled up in stacks for days.

There is this mad man, sitting relaxed, some 5 hours away from where I am right now. May be he isn't mad. He may be just any second 50 year old in the country with a couple of daughters off his nuptial life. With irritating levels of orthodoxness and alarming heights of stubbornness and stupidity. He might stand as an obstacle between me and my purpose. The confrontation day isn't that far. No wonder he'll soon creep into my dream and converts them into bloody nightmares.

All these constitute my future. All I have in my hands is to live through it; as calmly as possible. My anger has always been a disaster!

The festival is here!

10 days of tumult and pandemonium is here. Ganesh Chaturthi. Celebrated gloriously at a cost of environment. Bored because of an off day amidst week days, I was truly jobless & spent all day stuck to bed.

With continuous prompting of my mom, I went out in the evening to breath in some fresh air as well as some smoke. The city is now well decorated, flashing with glittering lights and plaster finished idols, standing majestically as the epitomes of Hinduism & its popularity in the country.

I was wondering how much would it cost to erect thousands of such idols, so much of gala for 10 whole days and finally immerse the 10 days of celebrated investment in waters. I even wondered how many reforms or ideas can be efficiently implemented with that amount. A lot of 'em right? How many home(pe)less can be fed with clothing, food and shelter?

Not any of these thoughts come into our minds as we keep ourselves super busy & engaged decorating the idols with countless, grand garlands in the name of devotion.

A sweet offering to God is usually auctioned at the end of the gala & it gets sold off for whooping prices, say INR 300,000, if not 600,000. Where does this archaic behaviour take us? To a pretentious state of satisfaction? To a fake shore of accomplishment?

If He exists, He must exist in hearts, thoughts and actions. Not necessarily in idols & celebrations.


Serving mankind is serving God.

Open

It's been quite a while I posted anything but about me. The site has been showing only my updates from 3 months or so but not about any faintest take on worldly affairs. The reason was I haven't been active enough. Being occupied with bundles of work at office, learning to drench down in the internal affairs of corporate; all these took me about 4 months of time.

Well, it's about time & I finally grabbed myself a book to look into. usually, I stay away from autobiographies, as they leave us uncertain about the authenticity of the point documented in them. But this one some how got me intrigued. Thanks to the foreword.

Open - by Andre Agassi.

The honest portrayal of his flaws, weaknesses & their admissions right at the beginning of the book opened a door for the most honest work I've ever come across. The way Agassi poured his heart out, blue coloured, onto 380 odd pieces of paper was hot flame burning sort of.

I always hailed Agassi as a flamboyant, easy riding tennis man the sport has ever witnessed. But there's something raw, bruised and scarred fist size being behind that stylish Nike tee he sports. 29 years of untiring hatred towards the sport he dominated. The helplessness of not knowing anything other than tennis. That helplessness, transformed into rage which had beaten Becker sort of legends. There's some ultimate empty feeling after winning everything possible in the sport, conquering every title & mounting the top, he says. True, it seemed.

14 trials all through his reign; when the costliest rackets were just given away; trophies on the racks were shattered into pieces, tiniest pieces; that bachelor pad where everything is pitch black in colour including the toilet pot in the wash room, resembling his dark phase. 14 trials to just let the sport go off his veins. 14 trials to give up abruptly and vanish like a genie. Yet, that one last title in 2006 again Bagdhatis. That one last serve of his life, serving for the championship & that's when the finish line calls him; yells at him to just drop the racket & to get onto his knees and shout that he can't do that any more. Ultimate perseverance; Super human endurance out there in the match box sized court.

Never a single second did Agassi let me loose off his clutches all through the book. I was drenched down in those furious sprinkles of honesty; just like he does under hot water for 22 minutes before that last match of his.

Yes. He raced fast cars, dated much faster models.; exploited by media, humiliated all through his life in the hands of his father. Turned into a style icon. Went bald. All these were ephemeral. These just constituted an ethereal world, which people built around him upon the pillars called anticipations.

But deep inside, a man lies, furious, honest, poke-me-you-get-that-back-in-your-face.

Any body has to let their hands down, when it's Agassi whom they are facing.

Those thought filled days.

Days of introspection are finally here. I guess I am using them to the fullest. Revisiting very virtue and quality of mine, trying to make necessary changes, so that I emerge out as a sensible being; far better than the one I have been.

Knowing about some intellectual brains, reading some really good stuff, trying to use the granted time to the benefit of the self. I hope she blossoms with a smile at the end of the trial that I really evolved in the way I expected to be.

That's what this is being all about. Really utilizing the time to figure out who the real one are; and who the fake. I am glad that already an outline has formed and it is being filled by discrete parts to make life gain a fuller picture & develop into a meaningful collage. I wonder how I allowed myself that to happen, but eventually I now understand that it happened for good.

She said she is being relaxed or rather composed. Neither sad nor happy; but relaxed. Really felt good. What more could be of good thing to really let some one be relaxed? Priceless, you see.

Even I am out of that self imposed misery & seems like I am really putting in efforts to make it a meaningful day to call off at work. Life seems pretty sensible now.

I just can't wait to talk about those little personal things again with her. She has been the everlasting contentment of my life. I silently wink and smile reckoning even she knows that.

Its just like working on a small contribution to a robust project. You realize what you've been working on only when the project's out on screens to public. But that some how makes it intriguing.

To me, this is like that long wait, clear in the eyes of a soldier who waits for the war to be finished to go back home & fall in the arms of his loved one. But yeah, War certainly teaches him many things.

This is teaching me! 

Death : The Mighty.

This apparently is the first time I am going to talk about death. This surfaced from the grief of losing a good old friend to the Aussie soil & it got extended into a philosophical channel in a span of overnight. Nostalgia was at peaks when I was walking down the lane close to my work place to fetch cigarettes for myself. The same lane, where till yesterday, we shared chai-companionship; smoke-silliness.

This is just temporary or perhaps I'd like to believe it that way. It'd be too coarse to digest if it turns out to be intimidatingly permanent. 

My thoughts zeroed down to Death on parallel with the cigarette I was killing. He is just a good friends, he just migrated to another country in the name of good, which itself is proving out to be unbearable for me. Everything seems conspired against me these days. Letting Go two most important people of my life in one day. What do you say? Wouldn't that be too harsh on you? Inevitably, I have only one choice; To Live Through It. So, I am living through it.

So coming back to death, How Death is mighty? I'd rather adopt a simplistic view here. Death is the most obnoxiously scary thing as well as the ultimate freedom on the other hand. Its just the way we look at it; I tend to go with the latter.

We, the humans are bestowed with the burden of living through, until it occurs to us to carry us along with it to the unseen worlds. I totally eradicate the prospect of fading away in between. Either to stay back silently among the ashes or to rise like a phoenix; the only two choices.

I've made up a theory yielding a benefit from death. Every other reluctance, apprehension, inertia fade way palpably in front of the mighty death. We prepare ourselves for the death, all the aforementioned appear miraculously stupid & tiny. That, obviously leads to the most important leap- Initiative.

So be prepared to experience the ultimate freedom - You'll live through in Style. 

Rage!

"Perfection is a myth.Its an unconquerable fort. It does not exist. Its an illegible utter from a swaggering person's foul mouth. Words like 'perfection', 'best' never existed. We just coined them to enhance our standards. To outdo ourselves to deliver better outputs. To excel selves & our peers."

(The above phrases are for my brother from the same mother. rest of you skip to the below lines)

A lot of shit has been thrown around from shotguns with their triggers being my close people who literally matter to me. Alcohol sessions started hitting back on me in an outrageous manner. This post had been the victim of my procrastination and finally, it had to come out. So here it is.

There is this shit which is recurrent in my life. It just squeezes my intestines inhumanly whenever it attacks me when it is least expected & I am least prepared to confront it. It totally compels me to do all insane stuff & spell out all crazy words that go on to ruin the next few days of my life. The most amusing thing about this one is I was never directly responsible nor involved in its occurrence. This really has been testing my patience and perseverance levels for a year so far. I wonder whether the directly involved would ever feel a pinch of badness about me being affected unnecessarily, again & again.

Life's going pretty slow, besides being ridiculously gloomy. The prospect of looking forward for tomorrow has vanished a long back. The same Moon Star with those royal tea cups, same old school friends with whom I could actually make an attempt to strike a yap session.

This continuum of tangible frames attached to each other rolling aimlessly till now require a real throttle to jolt back & forth, so that it picks up some pace, leaving behind the intricacies which bother the most.

Been in a super pissed off mood since morning & felt this had to come out. Been through more pissing contest of proving 'who's-more-pissed-off', the last night. That just sucked.

Aye! But somehow it feels sensible at the end of the day to keep to self feeling bad about things that really matter (in turn putting in some deliberate effort to bring in some change at the end) rather than getting drunk jobless-ly, finding a cat on the road, getting it drunk with milk & eventually letting it shit on your own pants.

Soon! 

To all of them, who complete us!

There is this buzz of 'finding-someone-for-selves' going on around me lately. People are getting ready to fall in love. At least, they started being welcoming. I've witnessed a virtual love pair finally joining their hands after 6 whole months of separation, a communist identifying the need to have a partner & a liberal desperately waiting to fly off to embrace the love of his life.

When being in centre of these happenings, a question surfaces. Why is it important to have someone with whom you want to be as transparent as naked? Is that a result of chemical reactions in our brains? Is that the inevitable flow of nature? Or is it the culmination of both? I choose the last one though.

One day or the other, you realize their need. Surely. Those deliberate efforts to find the love of your life. I found mine, a year ago. It defies your dedicated trials you threw to achieve anything, so far. It makes every other thing look tiny and minuscule. It grows out to be magnanimous.

Even a 'apparently-super pissed- with- his-love' bastard would actually miss her & cry when he's drunk (at least). She's not in town. I tried to make fun saying I am granted holidays but I feel her absence massively.

I can understand how hard is it for Sandy. They suddenly occupy the prime priority in our lives. That's so surprising (here I am not trying to convey disgrace to parents at all).

You go to obscene lengths to see them happy. Some friend of mine takes a bus silently to travel 700 odd kilometres to spend a day with his queen, some fella tries to swallow his sadness caused by his love's absence by engaging himself with books, one occasionally identifies the need to have a partner. I write about her whenever I miss her & can't talk to her.

She made me buy bouquets of red roses which I never thought I'd be so close to being romantic & actually buy them. I never thought that giant penguin would cry with his head hung down & his tears getting mixed up with his beer.

Its wonderful how they make you do 'crazy-to-you' things & still not regret  a pinch about them, instead drop her back home, stop for a cigarette on the way back home, light the cigarette, smile over the portrayed stupidity & yet resolve to repeat them more often to seen them giggle.


To Love, hats go off.