Friday, November 25, 2016

Diary - Day 36

I have not really been a lucky person. At least I don't consider myself so. But I've been lucky in one aspect. At every juncture of my life, things have asserted themselves so that I don't lose sight of what's needed of me.

I am writing this today - Friday at 2.30 pm. 3 hours to call it a week. This week has been a bitter one comparatively. Got into a few tiffs (very unlike me), felt pangs of anxiety for a day like I used to feel back in 2014 and got to see the weak side of my father.

Myself and Vikranth have agreed on one thing recently about Indian fathers and the dominantly patriarchal society Indians live in and perpetuate. Coming to think of it, I have had a feeling that I always have my father as my support system when I weather through rocky times.  Maybe, it's about time my father saw me as a grownup compatriot of the Vemugantis, not merely as a son. And he's seeing it that way. This perhaps has urged him to talk to me about his fears, last night over phone.

I played it cool when I was listening to him but it sent shivers down my spine. Those are fears every man would have but like I said somewhere up there, it's my father and it's me thinking he is too brave to feel fear. It has only been recently that I made peace with seeing my parents as not just my parents but distinct individuals with their own sets of weaknesses, fears, strengths, desires and delusions. That is me coming to realize their individual existence. But my father allowing me a glimpse into his fears totally caught me unprepared.

I (or rather we, the Indian kids) am not really used to see the weak side of the father. For me, he has always been a rock solid anchor to whom I could turn, in times of chaos and indecisiveness.

What's undeniable is he's ageing, he's ageing fast and he's ageing right in front of my eyes. And like ageing naturally does, it is weakening him - physically and mentally.

And it's for me to man up and accept it. To view him as a middle-aged man who's made his fair share of cabbage in his day. 

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