It's amusing I come to update the blog only from workplace. Because this is where the mind wanders off to different possibilities of evading work. I have written enough about how much I loathe what I do for a living.
I will write about relapse today. I've always relapsed into dungeons of misery whenever it appeared that I was making some steady progress. It always felt like holding my breath by squeezing nostrils to air-tightness - only to let go after a few seconds.
I felt a palpitating pang, or rather irrational desire, to tear myself away from the office premises, go running to the car & never come back. What was frightening was I had the disposable means at my avail to do that. I could have done that and gotten away with it without getting hurt much. In fact, I would have, in some likelihood, landed up in a different job in days from now with a hopefully better conditions to work in.
Two things happened in my head that kind of have me a confidence that I could (finally?) handle my relapse tendencies.
1) Learning that I've earned someone's faith - to an extent that the someone has put all their eggs in one basket called Deekshith. [It was liberating to learn that, will explain later why]
2) To be able to look at the bigger picture and realize the indifference any other firm would have invariably sown in me. Same shit, different place.
I said it was liberating to have earned someone's faith. I'd like to talk about that a bit now. How is that liberating? From another viewpoint, it puts the formidable onus of keeping up the faith. Agreed. But the same faith was what that prepped me to push through the door and face the dissociated world bustling behind the door. Sure it all seemed Greek and Latin as I entered. But it has always felt that way for 5 years now. But what's different today was the someone's trust in me that I could grit it out to come out crawling from the other end of the tunnel; where someone rewarding would be waiting for me. Simply, it instilled a belief in me that the other end of the tunnel has finally seem some light, in which's glory I've waited to bask. Concisely, it gave me a hope for light at the end of the tunnel.
Chalking a trajectory of words, it's Faith - Belief - Liberty - Trust - Hope. Five words that only appeared in stories and daydreams. They have just begun coming into being, transposing from stories & daydreams into reality and are settling down in the air, announcing their hopefully indefinite stay.
Even with those five untiringly optimistic words upstairs, I may not be a happy person when I hang up the boots, but I'll try and do something that makes me feel spent.
I will write about relapse today. I've always relapsed into dungeons of misery whenever it appeared that I was making some steady progress. It always felt like holding my breath by squeezing nostrils to air-tightness - only to let go after a few seconds.
I felt a palpitating pang, or rather irrational desire, to tear myself away from the office premises, go running to the car & never come back. What was frightening was I had the disposable means at my avail to do that. I could have done that and gotten away with it without getting hurt much. In fact, I would have, in some likelihood, landed up in a different job in days from now with a hopefully better conditions to work in.
Two things happened in my head that kind of have me a confidence that I could (finally?) handle my relapse tendencies.
1) Learning that I've earned someone's faith - to an extent that the someone has put all their eggs in one basket called Deekshith. [It was liberating to learn that, will explain later why]
2) To be able to look at the bigger picture and realize the indifference any other firm would have invariably sown in me. Same shit, different place.
I said it was liberating to have earned someone's faith. I'd like to talk about that a bit now. How is that liberating? From another viewpoint, it puts the formidable onus of keeping up the faith. Agreed. But the same faith was what that prepped me to push through the door and face the dissociated world bustling behind the door. Sure it all seemed Greek and Latin as I entered. But it has always felt that way for 5 years now. But what's different today was the someone's trust in me that I could grit it out to come out crawling from the other end of the tunnel; where someone rewarding would be waiting for me. Simply, it instilled a belief in me that the other end of the tunnel has finally seem some light, in which's glory I've waited to bask. Concisely, it gave me a hope for light at the end of the tunnel.
Chalking a trajectory of words, it's Faith - Belief - Liberty - Trust - Hope. Five words that only appeared in stories and daydreams. They have just begun coming into being, transposing from stories & daydreams into reality and are settling down in the air, announcing their hopefully indefinite stay.
Even with those five untiringly optimistic words upstairs, I may not be a happy person when I hang up the boots, but I'll try and do something that makes me feel spent.
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