Diary - Day 134

It's amusing I come to update the blog only from workplace. Because this is where the mind wanders off to different possibilities of evading work. I have written enough about how much I loathe what I do for a living.

I will write about relapse today. I've always relapsed into dungeons of misery whenever it appeared that I was making some steady progress. It always felt like holding my breath by squeezing nostrils to air-tightness - only to let go after a few seconds.

I felt a palpitating pang, or rather irrational desire, to tear myself away from the office premises, go running to the car & never come back. What was frightening was I had the disposable means at my avail to do that. I could have done that and gotten away with it without getting hurt much. In fact, I would have, in some likelihood, landed up in a different job in days from now with a hopefully better conditions to work in.

Two things happened in my head that kind of have me a confidence that I could (finally?) handle my relapse tendencies.

1) Learning that I've earned someone's faith - to an extent that the someone has put all their eggs in one basket called Deekshith. [It was liberating to learn that, will explain later why]

2) To be able to look at the bigger picture and realize the indifference any other firm would have invariably sown in me. Same shit, different place.

I said it was liberating to have earned someone's faith. I'd like to talk about that a bit now. How is that liberating? From another viewpoint, it puts the formidable onus of keeping up the faith. Agreed. But the same faith was what that prepped me to push through the door and face the dissociated world bustling behind the door.  Sure it all seemed Greek and Latin as I entered. But it has always felt that way for 5 years now. But what's different today was the someone's trust in me that I could grit it out to come out crawling from the other end of the tunnel; where someone rewarding would be waiting for me. Simply, it instilled a belief in me that the other end of the tunnel has finally seem some light, in which's glory I've waited to bask. Concisely, it gave me a hope for light at the end of the tunnel.

Chalking a trajectory of words, it's Faith - Belief - Liberty - Trust - Hope. Five words that only appeared in stories and daydreams. They have just begun coming into being, transposing from stories & daydreams into reality and are settling down in the air, announcing their hopefully indefinite stay.

Even with those five untiringly optimistic words upstairs, I may not be a happy person when I hang up the boots, but I'll try and do something that makes me feel spent. 

Diary - Day 127

The diary project, lately, has become infrequent in its updating - owing to some happenings on the personal side. As normalcy seems to be restored, I think of upping the frequency of posting.

I am a couple of days away from being a couple of years away from 30. I feel indifferent to this. It's just another day in the calendar. Things like looking back in retrospect didn't make much sense in the first half of twenties. But like many things that are actually nice in the guise of pretense, looking back kicks in some thought too.

There were many undesirable feelings I felt in the last one week. Saw things without seeing which I'd have been totally fine. Felt emotions that seemed distant to an extent of unfamiliarity. What chuffed me about myself is how I chose to reach to such things I saw and emotions I felt. Looking back, I thought those were my indelible characteristics, stuck with me for life. Instead they were just 8th standard algebra problems that looked daunting & unsolvable to the 6th graders.

The first four years in this decade were unkind to me. For me, years of harshness aren't great to revisit in retrospect either - unless I revisit them to tap on a lesson I learnt. But since sunshine began its cast recently, I am able to afford revising the last 6-7 years and the I've evolved as a person.

Thanks to many people and their pitches. More thanks to someone who finally believes I'm of some significance to her time. 

Diary - Day 120

Values. This word has held some prevalent influence in my life - owing to my father's irritating reiteration time and again. Teenage, adolescence and values are a repulsive combination.

Now I'm in the second half of 20s. All that is coming back to me. There had been a time when I thought values constricted free will. But when "free will"  was debunked  by its paradoxical nature, 'values' have attained a redefined meaning.

People stick to values they believe in - or at least they try to, until the values stifle their comfort zones. When do values magnify themselves in their virtue? They do, in retrospect.

I've so far written ample posts about the father  and his belief systems and those systems claiming a supposed nobility of things.

When does education come into picture? It comes in at the melting point of situations and their aftermath. It has never been clearer than this and now. I may not be the ideal son the father has envisaged but I ensured that the essentials weren't left dry to negligence.

At the cost of being labeled, in values I trust.