That smile

Where do I belong when she refuses to take me in? Do I stand in the foyer, glancing all around to find a place to step in? Will I just walk my way out & disappear into the green alleys of a park nearby?

When the newly found adulation for post rock is echoing in my ears & quite oppositely, my white shirt refuses to attract any warmth within the cold walls of work place, I look around desperately for her warming look & assuring smile that I always fail in finding at.

The informed, the gifted and the revered are constantly trying to soothe me but her absence is too large for them to compensate.

I belong now to such a world where people pretend to be happy or perhaps, are they really? I walk with drooped shoulders & my hands disarmingly tucked into pockets, staring at unnoticed pebbles that decorate the path to cafeteria. I feel the pinning smiles of acquaintances on my back. I tilt my head to blow off those smiles but the oxides of carbon I blow out of my mouth only adds to the proliferation of those fake.

The left vertex of my lips slightly extends into its left which denotes a faint smile.

That smile, they think, is a response. That smile, I know, is a retaliation.

One of those little niceties.

Monsoon invades the city. Living through the first downpour of the year took me back to 2011. What a fantastic years 2011 was? Things were way too perfect to complain about. Rooting back to present, I drive through shimmering rain whose drops gleam when vehicles' lights pass through them.

I see the roadside vendors pulling back their showcasing planks of hand made products from getting drenched. One downpour can actually snatch away their monthly earnings. I smile from inside the car which fails to penetrate through the semi tinted glass of my car's window to reach one of them. They stare at my car with a fear in their eyes, anticipating a wheel splash of stagnated water. They clench their fists to close their eyes to live through one more four wheeler's ominous stunt but I fathom that fear. I decelerate my car  while its tyres stylishly land into tiny pits of water & emerge ravishingly, yet harmlessly in pursuit of another ones. Water doesn't splash & then, one of them rises on his knees to peek his head on par with my shoulder level, locate my car & waves a hand with a giant grin across his lips.

I catch the sight on the rear view mirror, smile to myself & drive forward in search of another footpath entrepreneur to reassure him that he is actually cared by somebody. 

Something about self on a dry wednesday afternoon

How many days has it been I have written about myself and the advancements in my life? Too many. I suddenly get this dejected feeling of not devoting enough time to think about myself.

I am slowly settling down in the new company. Its walls don't seem strange anymore and the road to office of which's manholes and speed breakers, I am aware of their presence of.

I have always thought every year of my life as a formative one so far but the real formative period is this, trust me. My behavior, my state of being are taking meandering curves, surprising everyone, sometimes pleasantly and sometimes, not so pleasantly.

I struggle everyday to make a stand, often do I fail but then convince myself that the initial times are turbulent and all this is not uncommon.

My hope for her return still resides safely inside me, though the outer being doesn't express it any more. Its just like an unheard musing of the self.

Almost no alcohol, sobriety is slowly consuming me. I have my set of problems but this time, I feel a little optimistic to myself because I am making peace with the fact that all those can be solved.

Anger needs to be addressed.


Later then.