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My ink tank seems to be dried up. These words are running on reserve. Its quite strange how an inner feeling can be brought out in either of the ways; one being happy & the other sad. As said by some renowned writer some time back, ' There should be a vent out for every extravagant feeling that circulates in a human brain.' Otherwise that could turn out to be toxic. Be it happiness, melancholy, & that lump in the throat caused by both of 'em. It feels so relieved to clear that lump off the throat. As so is this piece. And the emotion behing the lump in my throat is Angst; Helpless fury. And the root cause behing that is Me being unhappy with everything that comprises my habitat.

Everything. The man sitting across my table & washing the brain of an innocent guy to step into anti social business; other one beside me shouting furiously over phone cursing his own destiny to be that way he is. May be its that alternative world with every possible making-happy-element within it. Dangerously even that could be dismissed as a sad place & I may complain about that world too.

Primarily, I lack proper definition of happiness. Happiness; what could it be like? How to fulfill the conditions to be happy? Firstly, what are those conditions? All the regular followers of my blog! are you observing a recurring phenomenon in my posts, lately? I have been questioning a lot. I don't know why am I being so troubled with so much of questions.

This jobless period is doing a great favour in reinventing myself. I am sure I'd come out as a bright person fed with more clarity, wiping away the clouds of uncertainty surrounding me. A decent cafe is a lot better than home. In fact, it feels home in there. The only thing I'd get nostalgic about Hyderabad (If I leave it for good) in future is the presence of some majestic cafetariae & the tea served in there.

I am afraid that this is it for now. As I said in the beginning, and now even the Reserve tank's empty!

Cool Quotient

Its quite ironic to get dragged into the vicious cycle again and again. However hard I try to run away from all the socializing stuff, one scratchy patch of it gets glued to me & it emerges victorious in pulling me back centripetally into the circle. One more instance stands as an example for this again. During one of those jobless Scroll-downs on facebook just to know what shit's been happening around with acquaintances, it happened to come across this. Its actually something like this 'If you are cool and you know it, you probably are just shit and you don't know it.' That appeals somewhat true to me. I never understood the concept of being cool. Ignorantly, during those adolescent phases, I might have tried being cool.But one has to accept that being ignorant ain't a crime. But once I grew wise (at least I think), I fortunately stumbled on a conclusion which has been helping me over years. That is 'Cool is uncool' & more importantly, vice-versa does not hold true, as a matter of fact.

I have a bad set of cousins who succeeded in life on their self-determined parameters & now lead a 'settled' life. I remember someone from that herd questioning me, 'How's everything going? Cool?' for which I answered being smilingly courteous 'Yeah. Everything's alright.' I am totally aware that the cool quotient I have been talking about from the beginning of the post and the 'cool?' he asked me are distinctly different. But what tickles me is the word Cool. What is being Cool? What is it about being cool? How does it appeal to people? To that point, how does that appeal to one's self?

I came to know from Sandeep that Ashok was talking about people who are very happy doing all the stuff they want to, talking all the crap they like to & more prominently, they are being happy. Is that what that counts in the end?

For my parents, watching their son tucking a software organization's ID card under his belt is cool.For a typical guy, being flamboyant, going out with girls, partying can be cool. Carrying a gadget from some named-after-a-fruit company can be cool.

In the whole process of attempting to establish their identity in front of peers, the basic questioning process is being forced to take the back seat.

I have no idea about what that probed me to write about this & that is why this piece appears to be lacking a conclusion. It apparently does. But the conclusion lies in every brain that consistently tries to be cool.


Questions & their answers. These are what it is all about.

Art, it is.

ఆమనోస్తే కొమ్మలన్ని కోయిలమ్మలు కదా!
ఆమె నీకై సాగివస్తే ప్రేమ రుతువే సదా!
దేవుడైన రాముడైనది ప్రేమ కోసం కదా!
ప్రతి జీవితం ఓ వెలుగు నీడలా బొమ్మలాటే కదా!


I bow down, Veturi. That one stroke of your pen has been successful in elevating my mood & saved me from the momentary melancholy. I haven't felt this low in the recent times & this is the song I usually searched for, on my playlist, till a couple of years ago. I haven't heard this song in ages. I acted pretentiously matured & thought I might have outgrown this feeling that listening to some old song which I used to listen when I was extremely depressed would not do any good now. But that old man who left this world and created an irreplacable void in the Telugu lyric industry, proved me wrong totally. He was a magician, I must admit. I know I am too mortal to announce something about this super mortal persona but now I really feel like.

May be that's the sheer brilliance an artist would usually deliver; that leaves the normal humans' jaws dropped and heart beat skipped. The second line from the above telugu verses he penned reinvented the trust I have got in Love. May be that's what makes a life worth living for a mere mortal like me. Wait endlessly for some art to be delivered & get lost in its's beauty, brilliance and charm once it is out.

I'd be sinned if I don't acknowledge the life poured into this song by Shankar Mahadevan & K.M. Radhakrishnan. That combination & coming together to create some magnanimous art which will go ahead to become immortal in the hearts of ardent followers. Artists coming from diversified backgrounds & with more diversity in their art, sitting in a room and creating art is something hair raising.

It could be anything, literally anything. One of the foremost reaons for which I earnestly respect art & astists as well is 'Creating something out of nothing'. You look at a plain chart, you look at it again after a couple of hours, brushes deliver strokes, colours sprinkled, a brain works and there you are, Witnessing something genuinely creative and authentically unique. The fact that the one you are witnessing is the only piece in the world makes your blood go cold. Classic.

I remember a status update on facebook from one of my friends which almost goes this way : 'Art does not stop wars nor it feeds people; but for that it doesn't have to. Art makes life bearable & worth living'.

So true.

The makeover

I always had this feeling that an afternoon nap makes the rest of the day very gloomy & the feeling proved out to be right today again. Growing oblivious conveniently to the circumstance prevailing at my place, I lazily insert my feet into my slippers & drag myself to the Moonstar. I buy myself a couple of sticks & make myself comfortable at one of the tables.

Crushing the first cigarette to death, I lose myself to thoughts, staring blankly at the railing that separates the cafe from a forbidden parking lot. This feeling of inertia grows within. Certain questions arise. Why am I a changed person? This feeling is pretty strange and amusing. uring teengae hangover, I was so talkative, enthusiastic & more importantly, very extensively open and receptive. I always welcomed discussions, made vows to abandon few things and so on. That was indeed fun. As mentioned in my previous post, that 'resigning' into myself wasn't there earlier. I sometimes tend to label that as 'laziness' but on a broader platform, both are two distinct terms. With lot of difference.

That is right what Sirish said. Growing up is so much of pain. I'd like to make a little improvisation to that statement. I'd rather say 'Being a grown up involves so much of pain'. Okay, seems like I am deviating. Back in to the ring. I hear a bang behind me, I hardly care to turn back & see what has happened. No, that ain't laziness. The retrospection that goes on in the mean time between the time when the noise was heard & the moment when I'd possibly turn & look back. As again aforementioned in my earlier post, its predictability. Trying to figure out what could have happened. While going through the entire paragraph, the one common underlying point that could be noticed is 'talking to myself'. The thought process that sees light emerges out of talking to myself. This is where I've been struggling to arrive at, from the past 50 or so lines.

This is evolution or development or growing up; whatever. Reduce talking much outside & gradually (proportionately) developing the habit of talking to self. Being proactive replced being reactive. Sitting in a corner, preferring solitude, hanging head down & going through things. I did not yet arrive at the point where I could be able to differentiate or rather judge whether being that way does any good or not but presently, I am liking it.

The need to react vocally has been reduced. It hasn't been decreased. It has been reduced. One should acknowledge the human effort here. A cluster of bars fall across the vocal cords when I am expected to reciprocate & instead a smile would appear on my lips, silently requesting the other person to accept that smile as my response. That'd be extremely safe, diplomatic & hassle-free.

Feels good to document the littlest details of my life after quite a long time.


God bless.

Tomorrow is brighter : An unfulfilling prophecy.

There was a time when I used to be stubbornly optimistic & used to wait for the good times endlessly. I argued untiringly over this wearing a tag name called 'hope'. Slowly, I began to lose that. The conclusion that it isn't going to be any different from this has started to become clear. As fancied many a times on screen, the very thought of something miraclous waiting across the lane for us makes it so exciting but at the end of the day, it is 'unrest' with all we'd be left with. So the bottomline should be this way 'Tomorrow ain't going to be any different. Now take it.' The significant virtue this mankind has developed over ages is Predictability. This is it. If I am fortunate enough, i'd get into some job with some steady pay in the near future; with 5 days of work and 2 days off from it; hopefully get married to the woman I love & lead life. It's always good to read about something far from conventionality but it doesn't really work well in my life (afraid of generalising which could possibly hurt few people).

That's a quick piece of writing after a while. That is for now.



See you again.

Western rocks are smoother.

Okay. I never thought that my All work-no play father would ever raise curtain for an intellectual encounter between him and me. This one ain't about my personal happenings but more or less about the striking differences between the developing nations & the developed.

I am actually pretty fascinated by the way westerners lead their lives. You never find this ever glowing fire in their bellies to succeed more & outdo themselves throughout their lives. Wait, let me stress on something here. Not being ambitious isn't a crime. I know the former statement would be subjected to a very serious offensive verbal attack from most of 'em out there. Well, I have an equally seconding argument up my sleeve. I personally believe that one does not have to be ambitious necessarily. Once can actually be a little smart in settling dowb for once & ever and then days get converted into months, months into years. Time takes its toll automatically. You don't have to possess that constant urge to lead the race from the front. The bottomline is 'Keep running'. You don't have to win necessarily. Looking back after years & grinning at the covered distance makes it worth running but winning alone doesn't. (How self contradictory I sound? This line totally contradicts the whole title of my previous post.)

Lets come back to the subject. Its quite interesting to observe the influence of demography of a country on its citizens' lifestyles. Let us consider India for a moment. Large country, yet compact for its population. This necessarily creates an inevitable situation for a normal Indian to take a gaint leap ahead in the race. The dowry system to bring down well settled grooms for their daughters. To become more ambitious at work to earn more that their post-retirement lives could be secured (in terms of medication expenses, living expenses etc.). I can see a proportional link between a country's population and its citizens' mind sets. In a country like England, with vast area & limited population, it becomes a chase-able task for its planning commission to ensure that every citizen receives all the benefits because of the balance it strikes between giving & receiving ends. Brits never save money for their future needs. They claim free medication from the government. They don't keep reserve funds so as to guarantee their old age needs. Every retired citizen is offered pension. That makes things easy for them. They work for 5 days, lay back & relax for 2 days. Simple lives are happy lives.

Take India, any governing alliance would sanction Rs.100 to a citizen, his take-home would be Rs.10 at the maximum. There will be a set of hungry employees in an order between the aforementioned 'giving and receiving ends'. You can't blame them totally too. They have their lives. Salaries aren't sufficient too feed everybody in abundance at their houses & this is because of high cost of living which is due to high prices & yet again, is due to imbalance between the available resources & seeking hands.

Extremely optimistic souls would exemplify China in this case & I'd get back to them saying 'Competent democracy is the worst thing ever happened to India'. An incompetent democracy would do the best.

Later.

It's all about Winning.

Few get drunk. Few do music. Few follow art, Few slam their doors and yell out. Different channels of venting out their inner angst. This is where I am so ambiguous. It has taken me 22 long years to figure out my vent out channel & yet, I am uncertain about it's existence . It isn't at all good to keep all the fury in but when there's no outlet, you can't help it either. You have to live with it. To some extent, Writing does its part in providing me the respite & So, this piece.

If I am not wrong it's Ralph Waldo Emerson who quoted 'Its not about Winning, it's all about Wanting to'. As per my knowledge he could have meant that, that wanting itself compels a man to scale any heights to win. It takes undefinable amounts of determination, the much needed question which should be answered to selves, about their own caliber & the way they'd want to finish it off.

I totally oppose the concept of proving one's self to this world. This world cares to stop for a second, clap its hands in appreciation & a second later, it progresses forward leaving you behind as an inseparable part of the history. Then I find no point in craving to deliver something to obtain the recognition and applause of this world. Its quite funny to notice the way few purposes are usually fulfilled when you chase something more divine & larger in its cause. Many artists wowed this world with their art but the whole friggin' point is they never wanted to. They just did their best leaving this world in awe at their work. They did something because they badly wanted to & consequently experienced the relief from an enormous labor when they're done. Thereby, gifting this world the most monumental pieces of art. In pursuit of satisfying their souls, they just Won eloquently in the eyes of this world. They stood as winners. Sachin Tendulkar. Roger Federer. R K Narayan. Ozzy Osbourne. Many.

But the main problem is with the people like Rahul Dravid. Sadly, these people aren't artists. They are more like sweat shedding peasants. They put in everything they've got to acquire what they want. I totally second Sirish's perception in this aspect. Sachin makes runs easily. But Dravid, pushes himself against the wall to score runs. But I think the runs scored by Dravid are much respected than that of Sachin's. I dare not question the godliness of Sachin as I myself am an ardent admirer of the God. But what puts me to sleep is Dravid's struggle to stand out there in the crease all day & fight, the only purpose being sticking around, no matter how shitty the circumstances are. That conviction. That persistence. That stubbornness. That undoubtedly instills massive confidence in people like me to fight, to bend it's neck, at the end of the day. Dradiv isn't gifted, unlik Sachin & Laxman. He shapes himself. He carves himself into a better Dravid the every time he goes out to bat & it is only because of the strong pledge he utters to himself not to repeat the mistake that got him out in the prior innings. Eventually, he Wins. The notable point here is, you'd be using only half of your sofa while Sachin is batting but you lay back with bot your hands behind your neck & relaxed, when it's Dravid out there. Envious & admirable.

Okay now, Me. It feels depressed for not winning from a long time. I am highly vulnerable to criticism in my circles, I am generally overlooked & highly underrated these days. That, in a way, is better to free off the burden of meeting the expectations of people. But its equally depressing & damaging, at times. I recall the priceless advice from Divyakka which hold true universally. 'This too shall pass.' It injects patience & hope in me & fortunately, I always have people like Rahul Dravid to look up to. Being not blessed is not your fault but I blame if you don't gift yourself something. This place is filled with people who are too busy to stop & care about our likes to gift you something. Gift yourself.

And yes, this one is now turning out into a reliever thingy. This is what all I wanted to talk to somebody but the same somebody also is a part of this world & this world only listens to winners' words. And when it comes to that, everybody is indifferent. Any how, talking to self, helps. I love to talk to myself when the whole world is lost to the sounds of winners' victorious roars.

Dear Life, We all have journeys to make. I'll see you on the other side which is hopefully greener.