The makeover

I always had this feeling that an afternoon nap makes the rest of the day very gloomy & the feeling proved out to be right today again. Growing oblivious conveniently to the circumstance prevailing at my place, I lazily insert my feet into my slippers & drag myself to the Moonstar. I buy myself a couple of sticks & make myself comfortable at one of the tables.

Crushing the first cigarette to death, I lose myself to thoughts, staring blankly at the railing that separates the cafe from a forbidden parking lot. This feeling of inertia grows within. Certain questions arise. Why am I a changed person? This feeling is pretty strange and amusing. uring teengae hangover, I was so talkative, enthusiastic & more importantly, very extensively open and receptive. I always welcomed discussions, made vows to abandon few things and so on. That was indeed fun. As mentioned in my previous post, that 'resigning' into myself wasn't there earlier. I sometimes tend to label that as 'laziness' but on a broader platform, both are two distinct terms. With lot of difference.

That is right what Sirish said. Growing up is so much of pain. I'd like to make a little improvisation to that statement. I'd rather say 'Being a grown up involves so much of pain'. Okay, seems like I am deviating. Back in to the ring. I hear a bang behind me, I hardly care to turn back & see what has happened. No, that ain't laziness. The retrospection that goes on in the mean time between the time when the noise was heard & the moment when I'd possibly turn & look back. As again aforementioned in my earlier post, its predictability. Trying to figure out what could have happened. While going through the entire paragraph, the one common underlying point that could be noticed is 'talking to myself'. The thought process that sees light emerges out of talking to myself. This is where I've been struggling to arrive at, from the past 50 or so lines.

This is evolution or development or growing up; whatever. Reduce talking much outside & gradually (proportionately) developing the habit of talking to self. Being proactive replced being reactive. Sitting in a corner, preferring solitude, hanging head down & going through things. I did not yet arrive at the point where I could be able to differentiate or rather judge whether being that way does any good or not but presently, I am liking it.

The need to react vocally has been reduced. It hasn't been decreased. It has been reduced. One should acknowledge the human effort here. A cluster of bars fall across the vocal cords when I am expected to reciprocate & instead a smile would appear on my lips, silently requesting the other person to accept that smile as my response. That'd be extremely safe, diplomatic & hassle-free.

Feels good to document the littlest details of my life after quite a long time.


God bless.