Monday, February 25, 2013

That Kid.

As i promised in my last update that I am not going to write about my personal happenings, here I am, ready with the story of a troubled kid who opened himself to me.

There's this kid who had been waiting at my house for me to come back from office. He happened to talk to me the day before & I asked him to come down to my place for a detailed discussion. He's having problems with his education just like the way I once had. He earnestly looked at me for some sage advise and I was eagerly waiting to listen to my story narrated by some other person.

He explained me his problem which seemed trivial to me; but it didn't - 5 years ago. I could totally comprehend the lump of turbulence in his throat which he often had to clear to spell words out.

Seemed familiar.

The best part about him was ruthless self denial & infectious honesty. He was there, very much ready to dissect himself & to critically analyze his problems. All he lacked was enough confidence and trust in himself.

Sounded rather familiar.

That dejected look on his face when he told me that his father actually has given up on his son's ability to promote to the next grade seemed far too close to my heart. It was as if someone was narrating my past to me in the most endearing way possible. I was all ears.

He opened the conversation by addressing himself as a loser which pierced through my heart like a spade studded with sharp words from ill mouthed douche bags. I could completely recall how it feels to proclaim one's self as a loser in his late teens or early twenties - when life has barely started.

His helpless rage, hopeless hope to see the unseen horizons of a colorful life now seem almost impossible for him. That's where I stepped into the picture. All I tried is to inject some hope into his veins. We light up a cigarette each. He inhaled, looked into my eye with a sense of respite, I exhaled, looked into the skies, we drove away farther on that road which opened gates for another opportunity called tomorrow.

Life; as it was once dreamt.

5 years. 5 whole years to tread the path in the way I wanted to. Fair enough. It could've taken longer but I didn't let things go out of control.

Its sometimes good to pause your pursuit of happiness and be happy for what you have. - A french proverb. True.

I am presently living the aftermath of debacles but I guess I am faring well; except few haunting memories of the past. Right, I distract myself from the reverie and pull myself back to this.

I have been watching some extraordinary cinema lately; all thanks to that good ol' friend who came back into my life upon my deliberation. 

I was appalled by the way my brother finally has fallen into the mainstream pit & he certainly is out of that 'wannabe' shit I believe. He just declared what his idea of life is & i was pleasantly surprised.

Thanks to that catastrophe. It got me real close to my family. I am also glad that my parents are finally comprehending my irresistible urge I have had to cut loose the ties with everything that just didn't seem 'me'.

I miss her terribly when I am out of work & so I work till i exhaust. I keep working all day to go back home to strike off one more milestone on the movie marathon. Fair enough.

Secluded with fair amount of distance from people, I have been having that much needed time and space which I had been craving till a month ago.

I promise this'd be the last post on personal happenings. I am sure I would come up with my take on worldly affairs from the next one.

Till then, watch Amal. Mr. N Shah delivered in those 10 minutes he was offered.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I bit the dust; and spitting out the disgust.

There is a limit for everything, they say. The question is who defines the limit. Its just the same kind of start like any other January. No striking differences. Only the characters and incidents changed; plot remained the same. Except in the perspective I developed, the way people treat me remained the same; unaltered. The unfaltering stubbornness still managed to secure its place in my heart. I still believe in my conviction; stay committed to the cause; a self made vow.

Things are royally fucked up at home, work and heart. Not a single element of respite. It totally feels as if I am locked in a dark dorm; pitch dark; and all sources of illumination are deliberately turned off. All I am doing is making peace with the nail biting coldness and darkness in there; learning to sleep; move in the dark; perhaps learning to 'live'.

However, the adolescent apprehensiveness slipped out of me; such a huge sign of relief. Apprehension borne procrastination really fed me with life changing incidents of which I still suffer - till date. The best part is I learnt the trick of mustering up enough courage to confront situations and boy! must I stay that confrontation is the best thing. Few hours (probably days?) of embarrassment, guilt and insult & things will slowly refrain from getting more fucked up.

How bleak life has become? The stains of pain caused by being left out disappeared a long ago & now I kind of enjoy the self gifted solitude and distance. But at times, the new bleak avatar seems untenable. I some times cannot stand the paleness of life now.

People whom I thought of as monks turned into raged bulls; as partners into strangers; as hearted ones into hypocrites. Well, all these certainly broadened my perspective inch by inch but it was unpleasantly surprising at the same time.


I hold in the tenacity, never dying hope for another sunny, bright morning called Tomorrow which never dies nor comes!


Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Corporate conspiracies!

Corporate waters are too salty to swim through. There's some major technical cliche in the server which has interrupted work for almost an hour. I rooted back to my 8-month experience as a technical writer. In knowledge terms, these 8 months have been highly fulfilling. I understood the importance of things which I never knew even existed. No nonsense about that. But this is not what I started this post to talk about.

I will be honest. Time just flew away. I didn't know when 2012 arrived and faded away. All thanks to my job. That doesn't mean my job has been an amazing experience. Of course, the core competencies challenged me; I won at times; I lost at times. That's a different story altogether.

People. Experience encountering different people has been an incredible one. I cam across people who live in nut shells, people who just throw away themselves to exposure, people who always want to sue someone & also people who want to sue their own employer as well.

What baffles me about some of them is their craving for supremacy & dominance (not through work, though). You think you settled scores with somebody the previous evening over some issue; you come back the next day only to know that 2 hours of throat aching explanation only did worse but no good. I felt utterly disappointed in the beginning states but yeah, 8 months did teach me something. That things don't always work the way you wish them to. Made peace.

Oh yes! One more thing. Are you bad at saying NO? If yes, you're screwed. Being selfish never harmed me during my journey. All I learnt during these 8 months is to smile for whatever that happens beyond my control. What else could I have done?

This has been pretty much an industrious welcome to the diving board from where I jumped into the corporate waters. The jump seemed smooth; waters - lukewarm, hard, salty.

I am pretty confused whether to feel happy that waters aren't dead cold or to feel sad that they are mouth spoiling salty.


But as I said here few days ago, its totally okay not to know everything.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Somethings for myself

To start off on a good note, the new year already started being kind to me. Its feeding me with ample motivation to write; or should I say I am being receptive to the nature's stimuli? Either of them will do.

Last 3-4 years were extremely turbulent, controversial and unsettled. If I sound like making up a resolution at all, all I would resolve is to ensure myself a smooth year this time. There are few things around the corner that'd make me go crazy but taking a ground, sticking to basics & keeping my cool is all I have to do.

There are few primitive questions I made a habit of asking myself. Answers have been quite thought provoking, inquisitive & fulfilling. The first thing I determined is to have some respect myself & not sparing anybody at its cost. Pretty crucial for my survival.

I'd make sure I don't evoke unnecessary arguments, pick up fights & spoil days. I'd prefer to keep it low, calm, grounded & composed.

Emphasizing on my realization, its high time I define myself as a person; what I deserve, What i want and what I don't.

I decided not to strain myself by giving away much time to others. I'd increase the count of days when I stay back home; not talk to her neither to my mother; rather read, watch and write stuff.

All I am trying to do here is to be honest to myself & others by making my stands, intentions clear. Its time now to relax & sip the hot tea rather than sifting among the crowded tables of a multinational food chain's outlet, trying to balance food tray in one hand & my dreams in the other.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Check List.

Happy new year to all of you, first of all.

I don't believe in new year resolutions. But with the buzz that surrounds you with an exaggerated state of euphoria tagged to its name called 'new year celebration', you unknowingly  fall into the pit of looking forward for phenomenal changes that might occur to you in the new year; unless you seclude and gift yourself with blissful distance from the hustle bustle.

I could't run much far from the manna so I was stuck in the web which left me from its clutches after injecting optimism and hope. Here are few things I wish to conquer before this year drains out and these are those few things I want to keep with myself hereafter, no matter how many more years may come.

  • Gain a perspective; perhaps a wider & broader one.
  • Stay away from the fight-inducing topics.
  • Read more.
  • Watch more.
  • Write more.
  • Earn
  • Spend
  • Laugh
  • Romance
  • Love
  • Be Happy


Bye.

Friday, December 28, 2012

But its okay to be such!

Time like now has been quite often since a year. This year took me on an unexpected roller coaster ride which I think I managed very well in spite being unprepared. Its just 2 days away to enter the 13th year of the millennium. This year is all set to drain away into history. I term 2012 as 'the year of destruction & resurrection.'

They now say I am a changed man. They say now that I have become more calculative, less dreamy, more commercial & much foresight-ish. All these things visited my thoughts as well; way before they did others'.

The biggest realization that occurred to me is that Its totally okay to be flawed. Yes, I do stuff which is kind of  not parliamentary & which conflicts the sense of social being. In some ways, I am a retro, pretty old fashioned & sometimes way behind the wire. But I realized that its okay to be that way.

The 'unsettled urge to write' lagged in the race competing against 'being a routine employee'. Stone face replaced genuine portrayal of emotions. This does some time feel like I am living the alter - Deekshith's life but Its okay for a while.

Its okay to confess the errors; after all - 'to err is human'. Its totally okay to let go people who intend to & to welcome who wish to come in. You stay there all the while; they come in; few stay; few leave.

Fights are those priceless lessons taught at the cost of anger, distress, disappointment and self agitated agony. Every time a miscalculation happens, there's a new formula learnt which would be applied always thereafter to stay more precise; hence minimizing the possibilities to err in the similar way, next time.

This piece may sound purely preaching & philosophical sorts but that is what 2012 has done to me. This is just one of those late friday afternoons when you just hurl yourself back to desk, grab the scribbling pad & start writing. Not because you're suddenly inspired but because of that compelling force inside you that probes you to look back at the year that has been outstanding in its own ways!



Happy 2013