The Check List.

Happy new year to all of you, first of all.

I don't believe in new year resolutions. But with the buzz that surrounds you with an exaggerated state of euphoria tagged to its name called 'new year celebration', you unknowingly  fall into the pit of looking forward for phenomenal changes that might occur to you in the new year; unless you seclude and gift yourself with blissful distance from the hustle bustle.

I could't run much far from the manna so I was stuck in the web which left me from its clutches after injecting optimism and hope. Here are few things I wish to conquer before this year drains out and these are those few things I want to keep with myself hereafter, no matter how many more years may come.

• Gain a perspective; perhaps a wider & broader one.
• Stay away from the fight-inducing topics.
• Read more.
• Watch more.
• Write more.
• Earn
• Spend
• Laugh
• Romance
• Love
• Be Happy

Bye.

But its okay to be such!

Time like now has been quite often since a year. This year took me on an unexpected roller coaster ride which I think I managed very well in spite being unprepared. Its just 2 days away to enter the 13th year of the millennium. This year is all set to drain away into history. I term 2012 as 'the year of destruction & resurrection.'

They now say I am a changed man. They say now that I have become more calculative, less dreamy, more commercial & much foresight-ish. All these things visited my thoughts as well; way before they did others'.

The biggest realization that occurred to me is that Its totally okay to be flawed. Yes, I do stuff which is kind of  not parliamentary & which conflicts the sense of social being. In some ways, I am a retro, pretty old fashioned & sometimes way behind the wire. But I realized that its okay to be that way.

The 'unsettled urge to write' lagged in the race competing against 'being a routine employee'. Stone face replaced genuine portrayal of emotions. This does some time feel like I am living the alter - Deekshith's life but Its okay for a while.

Its okay to confess the errors; after all - 'to err is human'. Its totally okay to let go people who intend to & to welcome who wish to come in. You stay there all the while; they come in; few stay; few leave.

Fights are those priceless lessons taught at the cost of anger, distress, disappointment and self agitated agony. Every time a miscalculation happens, there's a new formula learnt which would be applied always thereafter to stay more precise; hence minimizing the possibilities to err in the similar way, next time.

This piece may sound purely preaching & philosophical sorts but that is what 2012 has done to me. This is just one of those late friday afternoons when you just hurl yourself back to desk, grab the scribbling pad & start writing. Not because you're suddenly inspired but because of that compelling force inside you that probes you to look back at the year that has been outstanding in its own ways!



Happy 2013 

The year 2012

This year, my blog has seen a lot on entries in form of posts.That implies there have been many inspirations to jot down; and that implies this year has been remarkable in its own way. Lot new friendships whilst some old ones faded away into history; this year gifted me with a job; car, a little wealth & a lot of hope for much outstanding times ahead.

Where was I exactly a year ago Just went into a 'lively' relationship, came back to India with hardly any guarantee for the future; with prickling debts & insomnia inducing insecurities. All I did was to take a ground; strong, solid and unperturbed. The best thing I displayed is the stubbornness to stay out there in the middle; determined to stay there without perishing in front of fat's intense irony. The year 2012 will stand apart as the year of true grit, filled with clenched fists & tight held teeth to grit it out.

Lots of fights & fears; misunderstandings & miseries; all have been inseparable constituents of the year 2012. A year filled with life.

I sit back while jotting this down on a lazy monday, wondering how things changed. There are very few people I owe to; who stood by filling themselves with faith in me. Its her & my brother. A lot has already been told about her in many instances & nothing more needs to be written again. My mother tells me the tales of my absence at my home and the way Dheeraj took the charge in my guard. The way he fought for me, believing in me that I am capable enough to put a check to foul mouths has been incredible & unparalleled. Brother, I owe you something! All this could have been palpably impossible without you Nitya. I strongly believe that this one sentence says it all.

Priorities have changed  but I am the same old heart-felt guy you guys ever knew. Look through me.

Happy new year, way too in advance!

6 months & counting.

It took me a 10 days short of good six months to realize that I am just another boring employee working for one of the zillion organizations that grace the globe; basking in the glory of globalization.

Priceless experiences & countless self taught lessons are the results of being an employee who's a toddler in the job market. Longevity is my newly found interest. As a fellow said, its impossible to find inspiration daily. That point in itself can eclipse to be an inspiration. The ability to keep it going no matter what happens turns out to be the biggest motivational factor.

'The biggest joy in being a captain is the ability & efficiency in making the game move forward'. ~ Rahul Dravid.

Yes, the good old friend warned I might become like this. He warned me not to be. But necessity is the mother of everything. I too hate myself being like this but there's some insane joy that fills my heart every evening when I walk out of office. That prevails till the next morning by transforming into hangover which drags me to office again. In this way, day are turning into weeks & weeks into months. Half a year passed.

Let me tell you, you get panicked for everything in the beginning. Every long, deliberate stare from your manager worries you. Every untimely call from your boss startles you and puts you out of the sleep. That's the fear induced because of inexperience & the unending crave to be in the safe zone; to set everything straight on you end. Gradually that fear & feeling tend to disappear. After all, they have to.

It's all about balance. It's all about the ability to switch on and switch off with accurate timing. Months into work & that knowledge is what I gained and left with. You arrive at a point where you totally understand that nothing isn't that serious or life threatening. An involuntary bravery arrives in your heart.  It's all about delivering what you are supposed to; within the given time frame & just move on. When the evening clock strikes 1900 hours, you must forget who pays you.



Trust me, being devilish at work dampens longevity. Only Balance can handle it.



Soon.

Respect.

Mere food, clothing and shelter ain't sufficient to live off till you die. Life involves Respect. Respect for self & from others. It quite amusing about the baits which are thrown to pull respect out of people. Respect, these days is obtained, but not acquired.

What is that which demands respect in an individual? Education? Not the degrees that occupy space on your visiting card, but the one which manifests the inner wisdom to differentiate between good and bad. Nobility? Generosity? No. Its the education you buy buy with your money. Dowry that comes seeing your pay slips & permanent residence status. The car your drive, the place you dine at, the clothes you wear & the foul mouth you use to display autocracy.

I don't deserve to stay here. Blood people eavesdrop; blame money. I thought I have been faring well. from a totally fucked up ground to something which made some sense. It ain't enough. More riches needed if more respect needed.

I tried talking to my boss @ work asking him what fulfills him. I thought he is the right person to question about money because he earned it. He smiled & smile was his answer.

May be yeah, trying to possess everything makes me appealing. Pursuit starts. Change dominates. Ideals are being pushed off the cliff. New mask acquired. New outlook ahead. Yeah, more riches promised.



Money sucks!

Those walls and Their Destruction

As everybody has set out on their own boats heading to different destinations, its high time I call this a transition phase. Pen isn't moving further but with the unbearable load on mind, I have to ooze this out to feel better.

They say old school friends bring back flakes of the old you before you get lost in memoirs. With more & more new ones adding to the list, I am not sure whether they can be called Friends. Its all part of business transactions. Money is involved in everything. This compels me to look up to that corner of the room only to revisit the good old times.

Things were way too different very recently; in fact, fantastic till the new decade commenced. everything gradually got fucked up or must I say I fucked everything up? Lessons were learnt at the cost of people, virtues and good things. Fake people crept in & flew out, leaving me much wiser & cautious inside. A couple of life changers happened for which I am gratified to destiny, hadn't they happened, I wouldn't be sitting here to jot this piece down.

Construction demands patience, perseverance and a lot of determination. The will power to stay convicted & to let go of anything which may be even priceless in order to attain something is essential. On the other hand Destruction is very much a one-step thing. The irrational craving to fuck everything up is so highly dangerous and addictive. It can just ruin everything in seconds. This is where the will for personal success plays a vital role.

Many a time did that craving invite me warmly but I preferred to stay out there in cold, trying to make everything help to the shore. This piece certainly appears vague for people but things are making total sense to me.


People slip away, but even time does. Clinging to the walls of past doesn't intrigue me any more. Trying to build new ones surely does! 

Contemplation and its counterpart

What is that which keeps people apart? What probes to dream about doppelgänger and befriend imaginary friends? Tyler Durden, according to me, is only a doppelgänger. Seldom do they come into sunlight & face the reality. Confrontation scares their asses off, so much as they tend to live the dark side.

There is, my friend, a lot of difference between solitude and loneliness. The latter one is highly dangerous and rib tearing in virtue.

A circumscribed feeling that invades a person in absence of somebody would make days tougher, indeed the nights, the toughest. There's always this somebody in front of whom you tend to pour out & if luck favours, its well and good if that somebody is a great listener.

There's a lot humans have to toil for & accordingly a lot of turmoil is promised in the process. When you walk back home, all drooped down, clinging on to the gate, ready to hit the sack; then those soothing words from somebody can actually lighten up your mood, elevate your spirits & make you call it a fair day.

Its pretty wonderful how there's a paradigm progress in human wish list's horizon. It keeps extending into unknown distance; indefinitely.

These human relations are the ones that warn you, keep you grounded, make you feel like a star whilst your feet are still on the ground. Pretty necessary, aren't they?

That some one to share the happenings, to seek opinions from, to arrive at decisions with, to implement them & to sigh along with; at dusk.

As the dusk breaks, clouds of darkness scamper & mosquitoes hover above you & you decide its time to leave, you need a helping hand to get yourself on to your feet to keep walking into the woods; only to disappear forever.



Silence and trampled sand stay behind there as reminiscences of the spent time. Skies smile welcoming a brand new guest!